The Daily Parker

Your momma is so fat:

• When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
• When she dances she makes the band skip.
• When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
• Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
• Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
• Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
• She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
• The shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds.
• The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
• "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
• All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR your mama"
• When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
• She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
• She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
• She could sell shade.
• When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
• She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
• She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
• Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (i.e., a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him, "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

Submitted by reader C.K.