The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

List: Children's books

Here's a list of children's books you will probably never see in print:

  • "You Were an Accident"
  • "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
  • "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
  • "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
  • "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
  • "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
  • "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
  • "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
  • "All Dogs Go to Hell"
  • "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
  • "You Are Different and That's Bad"
  • "Dad's New Wife Timothy"
  • "Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"
  • "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
  • "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
  • "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
  • "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
  • "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
  • "Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse"
  • "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
  • "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
  • "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"
  • "How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"
  • "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
  • "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
  • "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
  • "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
  • "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
  • "Bi-Curious George"
  • "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

Submitted by reader M.G.

Joke: the Pope in New York

So the Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says "POPE".

After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo—and His Holiness doesn't travel light—the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope..." says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in my excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got behind the wheel. He quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.

"Please to be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope." pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal.

Then they heard the siren.

"Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license." moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him." said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot."

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor?"

"Bigger."

"Well," asked the chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know." said the cop, "But he's got the Pope driving for him."

Submitted by reader M.K.

Joke: Lawyer's charity

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called the lawyer to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that you have a yearly income of more than $600,000, yet you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and then replied, "First of all, did your research also show that my mother is dying from a long illness and she has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"Secondly, my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted: "Plus, my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

The lawyer interrupted again, "And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"

Submitted by reader S.S.

Joke: Nun the wiser

Three nuns are sitting at lunch one day. The first one says, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Bungee jumping

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'piñata'?"

Submitted by reader M.G.

Humor: Editorial lightbulbs

Q: How many copy editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I can't tell whether you mean 'change a lightbulb' or 'have sex in a lightbulb.' Can we reword it to remove ambiguity?

Q: How many managing editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!

Q: How many writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: But why do we have to change it?

Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q: How many copy editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Seems inconsistent.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?

Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, and two to hold down the author.

Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?

Submitted by reader S.S.

Joke: Valentines

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Submitted by reader B.P.

Joke: the Banking frog

A large green frog hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter and says to the teller, "I want a loan."

The teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall, and the name on the door says 'Patricia Wack.'"

So the frog hops off the counter, down the hall and to Mrs. Wack's office. He jumps up on her desk and says, "I want a loan."

Mrs. Wack, quite puzzled, gives the standard line, "We must have some collateral to secure the loan."

At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan.

So Patricia picks up the ceramic lion, goes in to the bank president's office, places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells her, "I have this frog in my office who says he wants a loan, and this is what he has to secure it. I don't even know what this thing is."

The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Mrs. Wack, looks back at the ceramic lion and finally says:

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Jewish marriage

A Jewish boy is going off to college, and his father says to him: "Look, we've never been a religious family, so I'm not expecting you to become suddenly religious. But promise me one thing: You won't marry a shiksa."

The boy promises this and assures his father that he won't.

Sure enough, his senior year at school he falls in love with a beautiful Irish girl. She loves him too, but he tells her he can't marry her because she's not Jewish.

"Don't worry," she says. "I'll convert."

After serious study, the girl converts. They marry and go off on their honeymoon in Monaco. Four weeks later, back at home, Saturday morning at 8:00, the phone rings at their house. It's the boy's father. He's livid.

"You know the last Saturday of every month we go over the books at the office. Why aren't you here?"

"I can't come," the boy says. "My wife says it's forbidden. It's Shabbat. We're heading off to shul."

"I told you not to marry a shiksa," the father screams.

Submitted by reader E.S.

Pun: Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Therefore, he came to be known as a "super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Submitted by reader C.K.