The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Commentary: Rules for Patriotism

Here are the new rules regarding displays of patriotism in the U.S.:

  1. To buy an American flag, you must present proof you have voted at least once in the last three elections (yes, local and state elections count).
  2. To display an American flag in any form, you must present proof of voter registration.
  3. To wave an American flag in public, you must be able to name at least one of the following:
    • Your Senator
    • Your Representative
    • Your President ("George Bush" does not count; ambiguous)
  4. To sell any product with an American flag on it, you must answer the following question:
    The Bill of Rights is part of:
    • the Constitution
    • the Magna Carta
    • the Declaration of Independence
  5. Those heard singing patriotic songs in public may be asked to show their voter registration cards.
  6. To be permitted to scream "Nuke Afghanistan", you must be able to correctly locate Afghanistan on a map or globe.
  7. To be permitted to scream "Arabs go home", you must list and correctly locate ten Arab homelands.
  8. Those who wish to express opinions about Arabs and Arab-Americans must pass the following test:
    1. Those who follow the religion of Islam are called:
      • Moslems
      • Muslins
      • Fanatics
    2. The holy book of Islam is called:
      • The Koran
      • The Koram
      • The Bible
    3. In Arabic, God is called:
      • Ali
      • Allah
      • Jehova
  9. Priority for purchase of American flags will be given to those whose ancestors lived on American soil the longest. When all American Indians who wish to display the red, white and blue are satisfied, other applicants will be accepted.
  10. A call for war on any radio talk-show will be construed as a public declaration of willingness to enlist in the US Army; callers will have 24 hours to complete the paperwork.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Submitted by reader S.S.

List: Comparison of Cubs and Sox fans

A Cubs fan is more likely to drive a BMW.
A Sox fan is more likely to break into that BMW and have it in a "chop shop" in less than 15 minutes.

A Sox fan will pick a fight with a Cubs fan and usually win.
A Cubs fan will pick a fight with a Sox fan once he sees he has five of his closest frat buddies with him and the odds are in his favor. He still may lose.

A Cubs fan will watch HBO's "Oz" and talk about its "gritty theme" the next day at the water cooler.
A Sox fan has probably served time in "Oz" and sees it as a love story.

A Cubs fan will bring a girl named Muffy to the game, spend his wallet on the date and have to listen to her talk about accessorizing her clothes and jewelry all evening long.
A Sox fan will bring a girl nicknamed "Pinky" to the game, have his wallet lifted by her and listen to her brag about how quickly she can change a flat tire.

A female Cubs fan is more likely to brag about how she allegedly "hooked up" with former Cubs first baseman Mark Grace one night.
A female Sox fan is likely to brag about how she also allegedly "hooked up" with Grace one night. Hey, "Gracie" was a busy man.

A Cubs fan will shop at Kenneth Cole.
A Sox fan will shoplift at Kenneth Cole.

A Sox fan can describe the entire game from first pitch to finish.
A Cubs fan can tell you how he played hooky from work, went to High Tops for a few "beverages" before the game and then woke up late that night naked on his couch, having gotten sick in a box of Crunch Berries. Tickets still in his pocket, of course.

A Cubs fan wears boxers.
A Sox fan wears...well, whatever he finds on the floor that morning.

A female Cubs fan wears undergarments from Victoria's Secret.
A female Sox fan wears a bulletproof vest.

A Sox fan listens to DMX.
A Cubs fan thinks DMX is a new type of SUV and that he "just can't wait to get on the list to buy one."

A Cubs fan can sit back and listen to Ronnie "Woo-Woo" do his annoying act over and over again.
A Sox fan has to hide his hot dog so that the "Get-up Guy" doesn't gobble it down in one bite.

A Sox fan will stay away from the ballpark until he sees that the organization is serious about winning.
A Cubs fan has no idea what his team's record is. Just "Pass the brew, beer man!"

A Cubs fan watches TV shows "Ally McBeal" and the "West Wing."
A Sox fan watches "WWF Raw is War," and then "America's Most Wanted" to check up on how his "busy" relatives are doing.

A Cubs fan can usually be found pulling his Palm Pilot out at some point in the game to take down an important number
A Sox fan just grabs a pen and writes the number down on his palm.

A Sox fan has been waiting patiently for a World Series Championship for almost a century.
A Cubs fan...well, maybe they do have one thing in common. Just one.

Submitted by reader S.P.

List: Modern defintions

Algorithm
\al-go-rhythm\ Tempo with which the ex-Vice President does the Macarena
Arbitrator
\ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ A cook who quits Arby's to work at McDonald's
Avoidable
\uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney
\buh-lo'-nee' \ Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette
\burn'-a-det' \ The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize
\bur'-gler-ize' \ What a crook sees with
Colin Powell
Nickname of Doctor Powell, the prominent proctologist
Control
\kon'-trol\ A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters
\kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Define
\de-fine\ What de judge levels against de defendant
Dick Cheney
\dik-chainy\ Series of tiny metal links encircling the male organ during kinky sex
Eyedropper
\i'-drop-ur\ A clumsy ophthalmologist
George Bush
The pubic area of President Washington
Heroes
\hee-rhos'\ What a guy in a small boat does
Left Bank
\left' bangk' \ What the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Marc Rich
What Samuel L. Clemens' parents boasted when he received his first royalty check for Huckleberry Finn
Misty
\mis-tee' \ How golfers create divots
Parasites
\par'-ih-sites' \ What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
Pharmacist
\farm'-uh-sist \ A helper on the farm
Polarize
\po'-lur-ize' \ What penguins see with
Primate
\pri'-mate' \ Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief
\ree-leef' \ What trees do in the spring
Selfish
\sel'-fish' \ What the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued
\sub-dood' \ Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
Sudafed
\sood'-a-fed' \ Brought litigation against a government official

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Horseradish for Pesach

The Jewish community in Madrid needed horseradish for making chrain (horseradish) for Pesach, but all the European Union countries gave them the same reply, "Sorry, we have none to send."

In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv and begged him to send a crate of horseradish by air freight to Madrid.

Two days before Pesach, a crate of grade Aleph tear-jerking Israeli (chrain) horseradish was loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the next El Al flight to Madrid, and all seemed to be well.

Unfortunately, when the Rabbi went to the Madrid Airport to claim the horseradish he was informed that a wildcat strike had just broken out and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days.

As a result, the chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: The Wine Bottle

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman at a nearby table.

She looks at the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note reads:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends a reply to her, which reads:

"I happen to have a Ferrari Testarossa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; and I have a net worth well over twenty-million dollars. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my dick. Just send the wine back."

Submitted by reader M.G.

Joke: The Mitzvah

A very good and pious Jewish man, Samuel Goldberg, dies and immediately goes to heaven. The angel at the gate greets him and tells him that he can't admit him to heaven.

When Mr. Goldberg asks why, the angel replies, "Well, this is a little embarrassing. You see, as I look at your record, for all intents and purposes, you have no sins. All I can see looking at page after page is mitzvah after mitzvah. You have been an exceptional person your whole life, you married a decent woman, your children turned out to be respected members of the community, you've always paid your debts on time...nothing but mitzvahs. Now, other than God, only the angels have no sins. I obviously can't send you to hell, but I can't admit you to heaven because you're a human being and human beings commit sins."

The angel thought for a moment and then says, "I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you back to Earth for 24 hours. During that time all you have to do is commit one sin. It doesn't have to be anything drastic, just something that will go on your record as a sin."

The next thing he knows, Mr. Goldberg is standing on the street in front of his apartment. Approaching him on the street, he notices Mrs. Ludinsky, an 85 year old widow carrying two large bags of groceries with great difficulty. True to his nature, Mr. Goldberg offers to help her carry the groceries home. Then, remembering that he must commit a sin in order to be admitted to heaven, he grabs Mrs. Ludinsky, the groceries go flying in every direction, and drags her up the stairs to his apartment. Once inside he proceeds to commit every kind of sexual debauchery he can think of.

Several hours later, exhausted, he begins to put his clothes back on. Sitting up in bed, Mrs. Ludinsky says, "Mr. Goldberg, you have no idea what a mitzvah you've done."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Fable: Death and the Servant

Many years ago, there was a man in Bathsheba who asked his servant to go to market. His servant had served faithfully for many years; though his hair was white, he stood as tall as a young date tree in the autumn whose leaves are beginning to fall while the fruit of abundance draws to an end about it.

The servant went to market, and among the throng he saw Death, dressed in black and as pale as the moon that grows thin. Death made a gesture, and the servant grew frightened; for, although there were many people in the marketplace, who crowded to buy the things that would bring them joy while they lived, none of them heeded the lonely pair.

And he ran home to his master, and he said, "Master, today I saw Death in the market amid the throng. And he made a threatening gesture to me. Master, I shall make haste and I shall ride like the wind to Samarra, for Samarra is many miles from here, and Death will not find me there."

So the servant rode away to Samarra, and his master was sorely troubled, as is the traveler in the desert who is called to the side of his dying father and his long journey draws to an end. And he went to the market and he sought out Death, whose dress was dark as the sea at night when the fisherman is lost, and his face was as pale as a grave on a frosty night.

And the master said to Death, "Why did you make a threatening gesture at my servant? He has done me good service, and is old in years."

And Death replied, "I made no threatening gesture at your servant. That was a start of surprise. For I saw him this morning in Bathsheba, but this night I was to meet him many miles away in Samarra."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: The Construction Helper

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew—gems in the rough all of them—more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will, if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fuckin' drywall," replied the little girl.

Joke: Billings Bar Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says,"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs!"

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Submitted by reader N.A.

List: Rules for Aviation Safety

  1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
  4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
  5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.
  6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
  12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
  15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
  16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
  18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
  19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It is the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
  24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and the gas in the fuel truck back at the airport.
  25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.
  26. Submitted by reader S.P.