The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: Cinderella

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball but only on two conditions:

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

"Where the hell have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

"I can't remember, exactly. Peter, Peter, something or other...."

Submitted by reader C.S.

Joke: Sisters of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway.

On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads...

SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks...

"What may we do for you my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Insults: Your Momma

Your momma is so fat:

  • When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
  • When she dances she makes the band skip.
  • When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
  • Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
  • Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
  • Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
  • She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
  • The shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds.
  • The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
  • "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
  • All the restaurants in town have signs that say: "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR your mama"
  • When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
  • She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
  • She's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
  • She could sell shade.
  • When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
  • She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
  • She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
  • Her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

Joke: Beer

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Scotsman picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPI' I' OOT, SPI' I' OOT YE BASTARD!!!"

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Canadian surgery

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (i.e., a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him, "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Plane crash

A small, two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Arkansas. The Arkansas State Police have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Old Man Moskowitz

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.

Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was—a picture of Jesus on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."

The old man immediately met with his three sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.

A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was—a picture of the same cross, empty, with Jesus crumpled on the ground below...and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."

Submitted by reader C.K.

List: Biblical methods of obtaining a wife

The Bible offers a number of alternatives to the bar scene and personal ads for those men wishing to settle down and marry:

  • Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
  • Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses, Exodus 2:16-21)
  • Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz, Ruth 4:5-10)
  • Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites, Judges 21:19-25)
  • Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. (Adam, Genesis 2:19-24)
  • Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right: fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob, Genesis 29:15-30)
  • Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David, 1 Samuel 18:27)
  • Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) (Cain, Genesis 4:16-17)
  • Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus, Esther 2:3-4)
  • When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." (Samson, Judges 14:1-3)
  • Kill any husband and take his wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David, 2 Samuel 11)
  • Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) (Onana and Boaz, Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
  • Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon, 1 Kings 11:1-3)

Submitted by reader J.S.

Joke: the Rabbi's Son

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study Torah a little more, and get your hair cut, and we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study. Father said, "Son, I've been really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied Torah diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair!"

To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: the Parrot

A guy decides that he might like to have a pet and makes a visit to the pet store. After browsing around the store, the man spots a parrot sitting up on his perch; although, it appears the parrot has no feet or legs!

The guy says out loud, "Gee, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," replied the parrot. "I'm defective."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word you said." replied the parrot. "I am highly intelligent and thoroughly educated."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you keep from falling of your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little bit embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around my perch like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand me can't you?"

"Of course. I am fluent in both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy, and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$2000!" he says. "I can't afford that!"

"Psst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer."

The guy offers the store owner $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by and the parrot is a sensation. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he is sympathetic, and he gives good advise. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "psst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes over to the parrot. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."

"What?" says the guy. "What is it?!"

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asked the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began touching her all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then the mailman lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly moving down..."

The parrot pauses for a long time.

"Well, what happened next?!"

"I don't know," says the Parrot, "I fell off my perch."

Submitted by reader B.P.