A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume
bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man
and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000
Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Submitted by reader B.P.
A Jewish boy is going off to college, and his father says to him: "Look,
we've never been a religious family, so I'm not expecting you to become
suddenly religious. But promise me one thing: You won't marry a shiksa."
The boy promises this and assures his father that he won't.
Sure enough, his senior year at school he falls in love with a beautiful
Irish girl. She loves him too, but he tells her he can't marry her because
she's not Jewish.
"Don't worry," she says. "I'll convert."
After serious study, the girl converts. They marry and go off on their
honeymoon in Monaco. Four weeks later, back at home, Saturday morning
at 8:00, the phone rings at their house. It's the boy's father. He's
"You know the last Saturday of every month we go over the books at the
office. Why aren't you here?"
"I can't come," the boy says. "My wife says it's forbidden. It's
Shabbat. We're heading off to shul."
"I told you not to marry a shiksa," the father screams.
Submitted by reader E.S.
A large green frog hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter and says to the teller, "I want a loan."
The teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall, and the name on the door says 'Patricia Wack.'"
So the frog hops off the counter, down the hall and to Mrs. Wack's office. He jumps up on her desk and says, "I want a loan."
Mrs. Wack, quite puzzled, gives the standard line, "We must have some collateral to secure the loan."
At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan.
So Patricia picks up the ceramic lion, goes in to the bank president's office, places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells her, "I have this frog in my office who says he wants a loan, and this is what he has to secure it. I don't even know what this thing is."
The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Mrs. Wack, looks back at the ceramic lion and finally says:
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."
Submitted by reader C.K.
At a small gathering, talk grows serious when a minister asks three men this
question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning
upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear someone say that I was a great
doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband
and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear someone say, 'LOOK!!! HE'S
Submitted by reader J.H.
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools"
together, she made for the nearest frozen water. After positioning
her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly—from the sky—a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos
cup of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from
the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the
opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the ice rink manager!"
Submitted by reader M.B.
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally
fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.
At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they
liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it
in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased
the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new
fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of
the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't
thought about "normal" tricks.
Well, they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,
closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
Submitted by reader C.K.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Submitted by reader M.K.
I passed my solo cross-country check ride on 18 July 1999. In theory, I could have flown my two required solo cross-country flights the next weekend, and finished up the other required flights and my FAA check ride the following two weekends.
I finished the private pilot certificate requirements on 17 October 1999 but I couldn't take my check ride for weeks because of the friggin' weather. (In fact, my first attempt got scrubbed for weather.)
My flight school had certain minimum standards for weather. It required winds less than 22 km/h for solo flights, and in addition, for local solo flights:
- ceilings must be 3,000 ft (950 m) or higher, and
- visibility must be 5 mi (8 km) or better.
For cross-country solo flights:
- ceilings must be 5,000 ft (1500 m) or higher,
- visibility must be 7 mi (11 km) or better, and
- the flight must leave the ground by 09:00, even if the weather will obviously improve later.
And for any flight with an instructor:
- ceilings must be 2,000 ft (650 m) or higher, and
- visibility must be 3 mi (5 km) or better.
So this shows why I have cancelled so many flights this summer. A green box means the weather met the requirement. A yellow box means the weather met the requirement for local, but not cross-country, flight. A red box means the weather officially sucked.
|Mo ||Tu ||We ||Th ||Fr || ||Sat ||Sun |
|19 ||20 ||21 ||22 ||23 ||24 || 25 |
|26 ||27 ||28 ||29 ||30 ||31 |
| 1 |
|2 ||3 ||4 ||5 ||6 || 7 ||8 |
|9 ||10 ||11 ||12 ||13 ||14 || 15 |
|16 ||17 ||18 || 19 ||20 ||21 ||22 |
|23 ||24 ||25 ||26 ||27 ||28 ||29 |
|30 ||31 |
| 1 ||2 ||3 || 4 ||5 |
|6 ||7 ||8 ||9 ||10 || 11 || 12 |
|13 ||14 ||15 ||16 ||17 ||18 ||19 |
| 20 ||21 ||22 ||23 ||24 || 25 ||26 |
|27 ||28 ||29 ||30 |
|1 ||2 || 3 |
|4 ||5 ||6 ||7 ||8 ||9 ||10 |
|11 ||12 ||13 ||14 ||15 ||16 || 17 |
|18 ||19 ||20 ||21 ||22 ||23 || 24 |
|25 ||26 ||27 ||28 ||29 ||30 ||31 |
|1 ||2 ||3 ||4 ||5 ||6 ||7 |
|8 ||9 ||10 ||11 ||12 || 13 ||14 |
|15 ||16 ||17 ||18 ||19 || 20 ||21 |
|22 ||23 ||24 ||25 ||26 ||27 ||28 |
|29 ||30 |
|1 ||2 ||3 ||4 ||5 |
|6 ||7 || 8 ||9 ||10 ||11 ||12 |
This table shows exactly how the weather sucked at 09:00--the solo cross-country dispatch time--on the days when I could otherwise have flown since my cross-country check ride. (The weather shown is the weather for Essex County Airport).
|Date ||Ceiling ||Visibility ||Winds ||Did I fly? |
|Sat. July 24 ||unlimited ||4 mi (haze) ||4 kts ||Cancelled |
|Sun. July 25 ||unlimited ||6 mi (haze) ||4 kts || Local solo |
|Sat. July 31 ||1500 ft ||1.5 mi (mist) ||calm ||Cancelled |
|Sun. Aug. 1 ||unlimited ||6 mi (haze) ||3 kts || Local solo |
|Sat. Aug. 7 ||unlimited ||10 mi ||7 kts || Cross-country solo |
|Sun. Aug. 8 ||unlimited ||3 mi (haze) ||7 kts ||Cancelled |
|Sat. Aug. 14 ||2200 ft ||1 mi (rain) ||calm ||Cancelled |
|Sun. Aug. 15 ||1300 ft ||5 mi (mist) ||5 kts || Local dual |
|Sat. Aug. 21 ||1400 ft ||3 mi (rain) ||5 kts ||Cancelled |
|Sun. Aug. 22 ||2300 ft ||10 mi ||3 kts ||Cancelled |
|Sat. Aug. 28 ||unlimited ||2 mi (haze) ||3 kts ||Cancelled |
|Sun. Aug. 29 ||unlimited ||3 mi (haze) ||5 kts ||Cancelled |
|Sat. Sep. 4 ||unlimited ||6 mi (haze) ||7 kts || Local dual |
|Sun. Sep. 5 ||1,800 ft ||7 mi ||8 kts ||Cancelled |
|Sat. Sep. 11 ||unlimited ||10 mi ||calm || Local dual |
|Sun. Sep. 12 ||unlimited ||20 mi ||calm || Local solo |
|Sat. Sep. 18 ||unlimited ||10 mi ||5 kts ||Nope; out of town |
|Sun. Sep. 19 ||unlimited ||10 mi ||calm ||Nope; out of town |
|Sat. Sep. 25 ||10,000 ft ||2 1/2 mi ||calm || Local solo (11 am) |
|Sun. Sep. 26 ||unlimited ||10 mi ||2 kts ||Nope; out of town |
|Sat. Oct. 2 ||unlimited ||7 mi ||3 kts ||Nope; see note (*) |
|Sun. Oct. 3 ||unlimited ||10 mi ||calm || Local solo (3 pm) |
|Sat. Oct. 9 ||5000 ft ||8 mi ||6 kts ||Nope |
|Sun. Oct. 10 ||6500 ft ||1/2 mi ||calm ||Nope |
|Sat. Oct. 16 ||2200 ft ||6 mi ||calm ||Nope |
|Sun. Oct. 17 ||0 (fog) ||1/4 mi ||calm || Final phase check (11:00) |
|Sat. Oct. 23 ||unlimited ||7 mi ||5 kts ||Nope |
|Sun. Oct. 24 ||unlimited ||unlimited ||4 kts || Local dual |
|Sat. Oct. 30 ||400 ft ||1 1/2 mi ||calm ||Cancelled |
|Sun. Oct. 31 ||700 ft ||3 mi ||4 kts ||Cancelled |
|Sat. Nov. 6 ||unlimited ||10 mi ||12-17 kts ||Cancelled (13:00) |
|Sun. Nov. 7 ||unlimited ||10 mi ||13-20 kts ||Cancelled |
|Sat. Nov. 13 ||3600 ft ||10 mi ||5 kts || Local solo |
|Sun. Nov. 14 ||700 ft ||3 mi ||calm ||Nope |
|Sat. Nov. 20 ||8000 ft ||7 mi ||calm || Local dual ** |
|Sun. Nov. 21 ||9500 ft ||1.75 mi ||calm ||Nope |
|Sat. Nov. 27 ||unlimited ||10 mi ||6 kts ||Examiner on vacation*** |
|Sun. Nov. 28 ||unlimited ||10 mi ||4 kts ||Examiner on vacation |
|Sat. Dec. 4 ||unlimited ||10 mi ||6 kts ||Examiner on vacation |
|Sun. Dec. 5 ||unlimited ||2.25 mi ||calm ||Cancelled |
* An accident at 7:51 local time at the departure end of Rwy 22 forced the airport to close for most of October 2. The NTSB preliminary report strongly suggests pilot error caused the crash which injured five people, three seriously.
** That's the 9 am weather. By 3 pm, the scheduled start of my FAA practical test, the weather sucked. I postponed the flight portion of the practical test, and instead went up with an instructor to practice difficult crosswind landings.
*** Notice, will you, that until the 27th the weather completely sucked. The examiner went on vacation the morning of the 27th, and returned December 7th. Notice the weather in New York while he vacationed in Florida. Figures.
Suggest a definition.
These definitions come directly from Federal Aviation Regulations parts
91, unless noted.
- aircraft - large
- means aircraft of more than
12,500 pounds maximum certificated takeoff weight.
- aircraft - small
- means aircraft of 12,500 pounds
or less, maximum certificated takeoff weight.
- airspeed - calibrated
- Indicated airspeed of an aircraft,
corrected for position and instrument error.
Calibrated airspeed is equal to true airspeed
in standard atmosphere at sea level.
- airspeed - indicated
- means the speed of an aircraft
as shown on its pitot static airspeed indicator calibrated to reflect standard
atmosphere adiabatic compressible flow at sea level uncorrected for airspeed
- airspeed - true
- means the airspeed of an
aircraft relative to undisturbed air.
- category - aircraft
- As used with respect
to the certification of aircraft, means a grouping of
aircraft based upon intended use or operating limitations. Examples include:
transport; normal; utility; acrobatic; limited; restricted; and provisional.
- category - pilot certification
- As used with
respect to the certification, ratings, privileges, and limitations of pilots,
means a broad classification of aircraft.
Examples include: airplane; rotorcraft; glider; and lighter-than-air.
- the height above the earth's surface of the
lowest layer of clouds or obscuring phenomena that is reported as
"broken," "overcast" or "obscuration" and not classified as "thin"
- means Certificated Flight Instructor.
- class - aircraft
- As used with respect to the
certification of aircraft, means a broad grouping of aircraft having similar
characteristics of propulsion, flight or landing. Examples include: airplane;
rotorcraft; glider; balloon; landplane and seaplane.
- class - pilot certification
- As used with respect
to the certification, ratings, privileges, and limitations of airmen,
means a classification of aircraft within a category having similar
operating characteristics. Examples include: single engine; multiengine;
land; water; gyroplane, helicopter; airship; and free balloon.
- controlled airspace
- means an airspace of
defined dimensions within which air traffic control service is provided to
IFR flights and to VFR flights in accordance with the airspace classification.
Note: Controlled airspace is a generic term that covers Class A,
Class B, Class C, Class D, and Class E airspace.
- means a person assigned to
perform duty in an aircraft during flight time.
- means the period of time between the beginning of morning
civil twilight and the end of evening civil twilight. (Implied
by FAR 1.)
Aviation Regulations, Title 14 of the U.S. Code of Federal Regulations.
- flight level
- means a level of constant atmospheric pressure
related to a reference datum of 29.92 inches of mercury (1013.25 hPa).
Each is stated in three digits that represent hundreds of feet.
For example, flight level 250 represents a barometric altimeter indication
of 25,000 feet; flight level 255, an indication of 25,500 feet.
- flight plan
- means specified information,
relating to the intended flight of an aircraft, that is filed orally or in
writing with air traffic control.
- flight time
- means pilot time that commences when an
aircraft moves under its own power for the purpose of flight and ends
when the aircraft comes to rest after landing.
- flight time - cross-country
- means flight time on any flight
in which the point of departure is a straight-line distance of 92 km (50 Nmi)
from the point of arrival. FAR 61.1(b)(3)(ii)(B)
The FARs are unclear about whether this means the point of first
arrival or all legs of a round-robin flight, but it appears—and
we log it so—that after the first 50 Nmi leg, all subsequent
legs of the same flight count as cross-country time. We would appreciate
your comments on this point.
- flight time - dual
- means flight time during which a
(CFI) is present. A pilot with the proper certificates and ratings for the aircraft
flown may still log pilot in command time while
- flight time - instrument
- A person may
log instrument time only for that flight time when the person operates
the aircraft solely by reference to instruments under actual or simulated
instrument flight conditions. FAR 61.51(g)
- flight time - pilot in command
- A recreational, private, or commercial pilot may log pilot-in-command time
only for that flight time during which that person (i) is the sole manipulator of the
controls of an aircraft for which the pilot is rated; (ii) is the sole occupant of the
aircraft; or (iii) except for a recreational pilot, is acting as pilot in command of an
aircraft on which more than one pilot is required under the type certification of the
aircraft or the regulations under which the flight is conducted.
A student pilot may log pilot-in-command time when the student pilot (i) is the sole
occupant of the aircraft... (ii) has a current solo flight endorsement as required under
FAR 61.87; and (iii) is undergoing training for a pilot certificate or rating. FAR 61.51(e)
- flight time - solo
- A pilot may log as solo flight time only that flight time
when the pilot is the sole occupant of the aircraft. FAR 61.51(d) A supervised
solo is a solo flight in which a CFI observes
the student from the ground while the student conducts traffic
- Instrument Flight Rules,
FAR 91.167 et seq.
An IFR flight is a flight for
which the pilot files an IFR flight plan and conforms to the appropriate Instrument
Flight Rules. It doesn't mean that the pilot can't see the ground,
or that the flight even requires instruments. However, any time the pilot does not
have a visual reference to the ground, IFR applies. Cf. VFR,
- IFR conditions
- means weather conditions below the
minimum for flight under visual flight rules. (Also called "IMC," for
"Instrument Meterological Conditions.")
- A meteorological aviation report, formatted according to
the Federal Meteorological
- Altitude above mean sea level.
- Marginal Visual Flight Rules. When visibility and ceilings are
close to, but not below, VFR minimums, pilots can still fly for
certain purposes. Usually pilots can only conduct traffic pattern
operations under MVFR.
- means the time between the end of evening
civil twilight and the beginning of morning civil twilight,
as published in the American Air Almanac, converted to local time.
When referring to logged flight time, night means the time beginning one hour after
sunset and ending one hour before sunrise.
- means navigation by visual reference to landmarks.
- pilot in command
- means the person who (1) has final authority
and responsibility for the operation and safety of the flight; (2) has been designated
as pilot in command before or during the flight; and (3) holds the appropriate category,
class, and type rating, if appropriate, for the conduct of the flight.
- special VFR conditions
- (SVFR) mean meteorological conditions that
are less than those required for basic VFR flight in controlled
airspace and in which some aircraft are permitted flight under visual flight rules.
- standard atmosphere
- The combination of temperature and
pressure used as a universal reference, equal to 1013.25 hPa (29.92 in/Hg) at sea level with
a temperature of 15°C (59°F). (dab)
- speed - best angle of climb
- (noted as VX)
means the speed at which the airplane will climb at the steepest angle. (dab)
- speed - best rate of climb
- (noted as VY)
means the speed at which the airplane will climb at fastest rate. (dab)
- speed - flap extended
- (noted as VFE) means
the highest speed permissible with wing flaps in a prescribed extended position. Corresponds
to the upper limit of the white arc on an airspeed indicator.
- speed - ground
- The speed of an aircraft relative to the ground.
- speed - landing gear extended
- (noted as VLE)
means the maximum speed at which an aircraft can be safely flown with the landing
- speed - landing gear operating
- (noted as VLO)
means the maximum speed at which the landing gear can be safely extended or retracted.
- speed - never exceed
- (noted as VNE)
means the maximum speed at which an aircraft can be safely operated. Corresponds
to the upper limit of the yellow arc, and the red line, on an airspeed indicator. (dab)
- speed - normal operating
- (noted as VNO)
means the maximum structural cruising speed of an aircraft. Corresponds to the upper
limit of the green arc on an airspeed indicator. (dab)
- speed - stall
- (noted as VS0)
means the speed at which the airplane stall with flaps down; i.e., the slowest
indicated airspeed the airplane can fly and still remain airborne. Corresponds
to the lower limit of the white arc on an airspeed indicator. (dab)
- speed - stall - clean
- (noted as VS1)
means the speed at which the airplane stall with flaps (and landing gear) up. (dab)
- traffic pattern
- means the traffic flow that is prescribed for
aircraft landing at, taxiing on, or taking off from, an airport.
- twilight - astronomical
- means that period of time when the center of
the sun's disc is higher than 18° below the horizon. Nautical twilight roughly corresponds
to the period beginning 90 minutes before sunrise and ending 90 minutes after sunset.
During this period, the atmosphere
does not scatter any sunlight, making ground-based visual astronomy possible. (dab)
- twilight - civil
- means that period of time when the center of
the sun's disc is higher than 6° below the horizon. Civil twilight roughly corresponds
to the period beginning one half-hour before sunrise and ending one half-hour after sunset. (dab)
- twilight - nautical
- means that period of time when the center of
the sun's disc is higher than 12° below the horizon. Nautical twilight roughly corresponds
to one hour before sunrise to one hour after sunset. (dab)
- Visual Flight Rules. In most classes of airspace, VFR operation
requires a specific minimum visibility and ceiling, and requires
the pilot to maintain specific distances from clouds. Cf. IFR,
- visibility - flight
- means the average forward
horizontal distance, from the cockpit of an aircraft in flight,
at which prominent unlighted objects may be seen and identified by day
and prominent lighted objects may be seen and identified by night.
- visibility - ground
- means prevailing horizontal
visibility near the earth's surface as reported by the United
States National Weather Service or an accredited observer.
Submitted by reader D.B.
Note: A true Southerner has responded
to this piece.
Things you would never hear a Southerner say ever, no matter
how much he’s had to drink, no matter how far from the South he’s wandered
and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...
- I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex
- Duct tape won't fix that
- Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
- We don't keep firearms in this house
- Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
- You can't feed that to the dog
- I thought Graceland was tacky
- No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe
- Wrasslin's fake
- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
- We're vegetarians
- Do you think my hair is too big?
- I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
- Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
- Who's Richard Petty?
- Give me the small bag of pork rinds
- Deer heads detract from the decor
- Spitting is such a nasty habit
- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
- Trim the fat off the steak
- Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
- The tires on that truck are too big
- I'll have the arugula and radacchio salad
- I've got it all on a floppy disk
- Unsweetened tea tastes better
- Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
- My fiance, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
- I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
- Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
- She's too old to be wearing a bikini
- Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
- Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen
- I don't have a favorite college team
- Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side
- I believe you cooked those green beans too long
- Those shorts ought to be a little longer
And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say
Submitted by reader M.G.