The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Humor: Editorial lightbulbs

Q: How many copy editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: I can't tell whether you mean 'change a lightbulb' or 'have sex in a lightbulb.' Can we reword it to remove ambiguity?

Q: How many managing editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: You were supposed to have changed that lightbulb last week!

Q: How many writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: But why do we have to change it?

Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q: How many copy editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Seems inconsistent.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make this neon instead, is it?

Q: How many publishers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, and two to hold down the author.

Q: How many sales directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! This is one of those lightbulb jokes, right?

Submitted by reader S.S.

Joke: the Banking frog

A large green frog hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter and says to the teller, "I want a loan."

The teller says, "You'll have to see the loan officer. Her office is down the hall, and the name on the door says 'Patricia Wack.'"

So the frog hops off the counter, down the hall and to Mrs. Wack's office. He jumps up on her desk and says, "I want a loan."

Mrs. Wack, quite puzzled, gives the standard line, "We must have some collateral to secure the loan."

At that the frog pulls out a ceramic lion, places it on her desk and repeats that he wants a loan.

So Patricia picks up the ceramic lion, goes in to the bank president's office, places the ceramic lion on his desk, and tells her, "I have this frog in my office who says he wants a loan, and this is what he has to secure it. I don't even know what this thing is."

The bank president looks at the ceramic lion, looks at Mrs. Wack, looks back at the ceramic lion and finally says:

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Jewish marriage

A Jewish boy is going off to college, and his father says to him: "Look, we've never been a religious family, so I'm not expecting you to become suddenly religious. But promise me one thing: You won't marry a shiksa."

The boy promises this and assures his father that he won't.

Sure enough, his senior year at school he falls in love with a beautiful Irish girl. She loves him too, but he tells her he can't marry her because she's not Jewish.

"Don't worry," she says. "I'll convert."

After serious study, the girl converts. They marry and go off on their honeymoon in Monaco. Four weeks later, back at home, Saturday morning at 8:00, the phone rings at their house. It's the boy's father. He's livid.

"You know the last Saturday of every month we go over the books at the office. Why aren't you here?"

"I can't come," the boy says. "My wife says it's forbidden. It's Shabbat. We're heading off to shul."

"I told you not to marry a shiksa," the father screams.

Submitted by reader E.S.

Joke: Valentines

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Submitted by reader B.P.

Pun: Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Therefore, he came to be known as a "super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: the Elder Driver

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Submitted by reader M.K.

Joke: Christian Pets

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Mortality

At a small gathering, talk grows serious when a minister asks three men this question: "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear someone say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear someone say, 'LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!'"

Submitted by reader J.H.

Joke: Ice fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen water. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly—from the sky—a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the Blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos cup of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, I'm the ice rink manager!"

Submitted by reader M.B.

New Jersey weather sucks

I passed my solo cross-country check ride on 18 July 1999. In theory, I could have flown my two required solo cross-country flights the next weekend, and finished up the other required flights and my FAA check ride the following two weekends.

I finished the private pilot certificate requirements on 17 October 1999 but I couldn't take my check ride for weeks because of the friggin' weather. (In fact, my first attempt got scrubbed for weather.)

My flight school had certain minimum standards for weather. It required winds less than 22 km/h for solo flights, and in addition, for local solo flights:

  • ceilings must be 3,000 ft (950 m) or higher, and
  • visibility must be 5 mi (8 km) or better.

For cross-country solo flights:

  • ceilings must be 5,000 ft (1500 m) or higher,
  • visibility must be 7 mi (11 km) or better, and
  • the flight must leave the ground by 09:00, even if the weather will obviously improve later.

And for any flight with an instructor:

  • ceilings must be 2,000 ft (650 m) or higher, and
  • visibility must be 3 mi (5 km) or better.

So this shows why I have cancelled so many flights this summer. A  green  box means the weather met the requirement. A  yellow  box means the weather met the requirement for local, but not cross-country, flight. A  red  box means the weather officially sucked.

Mo Tu We Th Fr   Sat Sun
July 1999
19 20 21 22 23   24 25
26 27 28 29 30   31  
August 1999 1
2 3 4 5 6   7 8
9 10 11 12 13   14 15
16 17 18 19 20   21 22
23 24 25 26 27   28 29
30 31 September 1999
  1 2 3   4 5
6 7 8 9 10   11 12
13 14 15 16 17   18 19
20 21 22 23 24   25 26
27 28 29 30  
October 1999 1   2 3
4 5 6 7 8   9 10
11 12 13 14 15   16 17
18 19 20 21 22   23 24
25 26 27 28 29   30 31
November 1999
1 2 3 4 5   6 7
8 9 10 11 12   13 14
15 16 17 18 19   20 21
22 23 24 25 26   27 28
29 30 December 1999
  1 2 3   4 5
6 7 8 9 10   11 12

This table shows exactly how the weather sucked at 09:00--the solo cross-country dispatch time--on the days when I could otherwise have flown since my cross-country check ride. (The weather shown is the weather for Essex County Airport).

Date Ceiling Visibility Winds Did I fly?
Sat. July 24 unlimited 4 mi (haze) 4 kts Cancelled
Sun. July 25 unlimited 6 mi (haze) 4 kts Local solo
Sat. July 31 1500 ft 1.5 mi (mist) calm Cancelled
Sun. Aug. 1 unlimited 6 mi (haze) 3 kts Local solo
Sat. Aug. 7 unlimited 10 mi 7 kts Cross-country solo
Sun. Aug. 8 unlimited 3 mi (haze) 7 kts Cancelled
Sat. Aug. 14 2200 ft 1 mi (rain) calm Cancelled
Sun. Aug. 15 1300 ft 5 mi (mist) 5 kts Local dual
Sat. Aug. 21 1400 ft 3 mi (rain) 5 kts Cancelled
Sun. Aug. 22 2300 ft 10 mi 3 kts Cancelled
Sat. Aug. 28 unlimited 2 mi (haze) 3 kts Cancelled
Sun. Aug. 29 unlimited 3 mi (haze) 5 kts Cancelled
Sat. Sep. 4 unlimited 6 mi (haze) 7 kts Local dual
Sun. Sep. 5 1,800 ft 7 mi 8 kts Cancelled
Sat. Sep. 11 unlimited 10 mi calm Local dual
Sun. Sep. 12 unlimited 20 mi calm Local solo
Sat. Sep. 18 unlimited 10 mi 5 kts Nope; out of town
Sun. Sep. 19 unlimited 10 mi calm Nope; out of town
Sat. Sep. 25 10,000 ft 2 1/2 mi calm Local solo (11 am)
Sun. Sep. 26 unlimited 10 mi 2 kts Nope; out of town
Sat. Oct. 2 unlimited 7 mi 3 kts Nope; see note (*)
Sun. Oct. 3 unlimited 10 mi calm Local solo (3 pm)
Sat. Oct. 9 5000 ft 8 mi 6 kts Nope
Sun. Oct. 10 6500 ft 1/2 mi calm Nope
Sat. Oct. 16 2200 ft 6 mi calm Nope
Sun. Oct. 17 0 (fog) 1/4 mi calm Final phase check (11:00)
Sat. Oct. 23 unlimited 7 mi 5 kts Nope
Sun. Oct. 24 unlimited unlimited 4 kts Local dual
Sat. Oct. 30 400 ft 1 1/2 mi calm Cancelled
Sun. Oct. 31 700 ft 3 mi 4 kts Cancelled
Sat. Nov. 6 unlimited 10 mi 12-17 kts Cancelled (13:00)
Sun. Nov. 7 unlimited 10 mi 13-20 kts Cancelled
Sat. Nov. 13 3600 ft 10 mi 5 kts Local solo
Sun. Nov. 14 700 ft 3 mi calm Nope
Sat. Nov. 20 8000 ft 7 mi calm Local dual **
Sun. Nov. 21 9500 ft 1.75 mi calm Nope
Sat. Nov. 27 unlimited 10 mi 6 kts Examiner on vacation***
Sun. Nov. 28 unlimited 10 mi 4 kts Examiner on vacation
Sat. Dec. 4 unlimited 10 mi 6 kts Examiner on vacation
Sun. Dec. 5 unlimited 2.25 mi calm Cancelled

* An accident at 7:51 local time at the departure end of Rwy 22 forced the airport to close for most of October 2. The NTSB preliminary report strongly suggests pilot error caused the crash which injured five people, three seriously.

** That's the 9 am weather. By 3 pm, the scheduled start of my FAA practical test, the weather sucked. I postponed the flight portion of the practical test, and instead went up with an instructor to practice difficult crosswind landings.

*** Notice, will you, that until the 27th the weather completely sucked. The examiner went on vacation the morning of the 27th, and returned December 7th. Notice the weather in New York while he vacationed in Florida. Figures.