The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

List: Things not to say to a naked man

  1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
  2. Ahh, it's cute.
  3. Who circumcised you?
  4. Why don't we just cuddle?
  5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
  6. It's more fun to look at.
  7. Make it dance.
  8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
  9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
  10. It looks like a night crawler.
  11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
  12. My last boyfriend was four inches bigger.
  13. It's OK, we'll work around it.
  14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
  15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
  16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
  17. Oh no, a flash headache.
  18. (giggle and point)
  19. Can I be honest with you?
  20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
  21. Let me go get my tweezers.
  22. How sweet, you brought incense.
  23. This explains your car.
  24. You must be a growing boy.
  25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
  26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
  27. Are you one of those pygmies?
  28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
  29. Every heard of clearasil?
  30. All right, a treasure hunt!
  31. I didn't know they came that small.
  32. Why is God punishing you?
  33. At least this won't take long.
  34. I never saw one like that before.
  35. What do you call this?
  36. But it still works, right?
  37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
  38. It looks so unused.
  39. Do you take steroids?
  40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
  41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
  42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
  43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
  44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
  45. Aww, it's hiding.
  46. Are you cold?
  47. If you get me real drunk first.
  48. Is that an optical illusion?
  49. What is that?
  50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
  51. Were you neutered?
  52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
  53. Does it come with an air pump?
  54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
  55. Where are the puppet strings?
  56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
  57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
  58. Never mind, why bother.
  59. Is that a second belly button?
  60. Where's the rest of it?

Submitted by reader L.M.

Joke: Redneck Lotto

Two rednecks went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."

"Okay," agreed one of the rednecks, "I guess seven."

"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.

The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number. "Two!" said the second redneck.

"Sorry, it's three," said the attendant. "Come back and try again."

As they walked out to their car, one redneck said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: Out golfing

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The English man stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish man's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing and knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate was the same as the others: Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."

Joke: Creation

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but He had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who You give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into His bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: the Corpse

There was once a medical student specializing in pathology who truly wanted to excel in his studies. Without fail, he would daily visit the school's path lab following his classes to do extra work.

One evening he uncovered a cadaver only to notice a cork plugging its rectum. Curious, he removed the cork only to hear, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..."

Startled, he replaced the cork. Curiosity soon got the best of him and he,once again, removed the cork. Again, he heard the same tune, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..."

He could stand it no more. He replaced the cork, covered the cadaver and raced upstairs to his professor's office. He persuaded the man to accompany him back to the lab. Once there, the student again uncovered the cadaver and displayed the corked rectum. The professor looked unfazed. When the student removed the cork, the same tune emanated: "On the road again, I just...".

The professor looked bored and started to walk away. The student was aghast at this casual response. He said to the professor, "Don't you find this amazing?"

The professor replied, "Not really. Most any asshole can sing country."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Hit an agent

A man pulls off the road when he sees his producer friend with a wrecked car off on the side. The car is a total loss, covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Oh," the friend responds, "I hit an agent."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about all the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, to catch him, I had to chase him all through the park."

Submitted by reader M.B.

List: Jewish C&W hits

Here are some Country & Western hits not likely to make the top 10:

  1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Till She Chose Somebody Else)"
     
  2. "Stand by Your Mensch"
     
  3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?"
     
  4. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
     
  5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
     
  6. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
     
  7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
     
  8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
     
  9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
     
  10. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom,' I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
     
  11. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
     
  12. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
     
  13. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: the Brothel

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.

"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.

A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby look!" said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta' died."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Drunker

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with the wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog."

Joke: Pulled over

An elderly couple was driving cross country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the Highway Patrol. As she rolls don the window, the officer says, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, who is hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

Then the patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him his license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I been there before, had the worst sex with a woman in my life."

The woman turns to her husband and says, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

Submitted by reader M.B.