The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Satire: Erev Christmas

By Bruce Marcus and Lori Factor-Marcus

'Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me—we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stockings with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"

So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots
To cover our heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
The train nearly empty, it rolled through the stops,
While visions of wontons danced through our kopfs.
We hopped off at Park Street; the Common was bright
With fresh-fallen snow and the trees strung with lights,
Then crept through "The Zone" with its bums and its thugs,
And entrepreneurs selling ladies and drugs.
At last we reached Chinatown, rushed through the gates,
Past bakeries, past markets, past shops and cafes,
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Let's decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.

Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and "shrimp" chow mee foon,
And General Gau's chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
And chicken wings! Dumplings! and beef teriyakis!
And scallion pancakes—'cause they're kind of like latkes

The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
And while this went on, we became aware
Every diner around us had started to stare.
Their jaws hanging open, they looked on unblinking;
Some dropped their teacups, some drooled without thinking.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!

Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We poked and we jabbed till our fingers were sore
And half of our dinner wound up on the floor.
We tried—how we tried!—but, sad truth to tell,
Ten long minutes later and still hungry as hell,
We swallowed our pride, feeling vaguely like dorks,
And called to our waiter to bring us two forks.

We fressed and we feasted, we slurped and we munched;
We noshed and we supped, we breakfast'd and lunched.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Pork is Kosher, when it's in Chinese food."
And my girlfriend, well, she got a real winner;
Her's said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."

Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
"Good Yom Tov to all, and to all a Good Night!"


Bruce Marcus is a storyteller. He and Lori live in Malden, Mass.
©1992 Bruce Marcus and Lori Factor-Marcus. Reprinted with their kind permission.

Submitted by reader B.M. 

Joke: Santa Claus

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," says the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

Submitted by reader K.T.

Joke: the Storks

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

Submitted by reader L.M.

Joke: Bad to Worse

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your husband "borrowed" it.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.

Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 400 pounds.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.

Submitted by reader L.M.

Joke: Adult Vocabulary

On the first day of school after vacation, Miss Clarke addressed her second grade class with special instructions:

"Now children, please tell the class about your vacation, and try to use adult words, as we must practice our vocabulary."

Little Bobby Thompson raised his hand.

"Yes, Bobby?"

"On my vacation, I saw a-choo choo," Bobby said.

"A train, Bobby, you saw a train. Please try to use the proper, adult word."

"Ok, I saw a train."

"Good. OK, now Sharon, what did you do on your vacation?"

"I got to pet a moo-moo," Sharon excitedly blurted.

"Sharon, please use the correct word. You went to a farm, and what did you do?"

"Um, I got to pet the cow."

"Good job. Now, Katie. What did you do on vacation?"

Katie sat thinking at her desk for a moment.

"Well, I read a book. It was called Winnie...the Shit."

Submitted by reader J.T.

Humor: Email

Do you remember this classic from the rough-and-tumble early days of the Internet?

Why Email Is Like a Penis

Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss made over it by those who do have it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously; others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than what its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will do the same damn dumb things it did before.

Parody: Adopt-a-Player

With the holiday season approaching, please look into your heart to help those in need.

Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level. And, as if that weren't bad enough, they'll be deprived of pay for several weeks—possibly a whole year—as a result of the current lock-out situation.

But now, you can help!

For only $20,835 a month—about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV)—you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the yearly league minimum, but it's a start!

Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida and a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than two months' rent or mortgage payments. But to a Basketball player, $700 will almost replace his daily salary. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

How will I know I'm helping?

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned—for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

How will he know I'm helping?

Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Yes, I want to help!

I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star (Higher cost)
[ ] Superstar (Much higher cost)
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific
    team. Cheerleaders not included.)
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

Your Name: _______________________

Telephone Number: _______________________

Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______

[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discovery Card

Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-900-TOO-MUCH now to enroll by phone.

Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Contributions are not tax-deductible.

You will truly be blessed during this season of giving.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. By observing its position, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that Our Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

Watson paused, then asked his friend: "Why? What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute before speaking. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Submitted by reader S.S.

List: Men are likeā€¦

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Men are like...Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like...Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like...Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like...Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like...Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like...Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like...Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like...Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like...High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like...Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like...Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like...Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Submitted by reader L.M.

Joke: Bible studies

A visitor to a small Southern town was admiring the town's Nativity Scene. However, one small feature bothered him: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Unable to come up with an explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You Yankees never did read your Bibles!"

The visitor assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, finally jabbing her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face, she said "Look, it says right here! 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

Submitted by reader J.H.