The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: the Fetishist

Out in farm country, old Nigel had a different sort of fetish. Every so often he would sneak into a neighbor's farm and go joyriding on a tractor.

After a few of these nocturnal jaunts, which usually resulted in a destroyed farm implement, his neighbors figured out what was happening. A mob of angry farmers chased him halfway around the county, and finally catching him, they beat him badly enough to put him in a wheelchair.

All Nigel could do was look wistfully at the tractors tilling the fields from afar.

But one day, a fire broke out in a neighbor's barn. The smoke was so thick the firefighters couldn't see the flames.

Seeing this, Nigel wheeled over, hopped off the chair, climbed up to the top of the barn, stuck his head in a hole in the roof, sucked out all the smoke, and blew it downwind of the barn.

His neighbors were shocked. One asked him, "How did you do that?"

"Easy," said Nigel. "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

Submitted by reader J.C.

Humor: Maryland vocabulary

Gina comes from Hard Canny, Merlin.

If you've grown up or lived in Maryland for any part of your life, you'll find this hits rather close to home.

Maryland is divided into semi-tribal areas called Cannies (i.e., "counties"; e.g., Ballmer Canny, PeeJee Canny, Hard Canny, etc.).

The dialect area is centered on a market center called Glimburny (Glen Burnie), where the people come on weekends to trade their goods.

Speakers of Merlin dialect are all able to understand standard English from babyhood, chiefly because of their voracious appetite for television.

However, they invariably refuse to speak standard English, even with outsiders who obviously are not understanding a word they say.

Lesson 1: Vocabulary

Arn
what you do to wrinkled clothes
Allanic
an ocean
Arnjuice
from the sunshine tree
Arouwn in all directions
norf, souf, ees, and wess
Avnew
what you call a street
Aspern
what you take for headaches
Bald
some people like their eggs this way
Ballmer
Our City
Bawler
what the plumber calls your furnace
Beeno
a famous railroad
Beero
where you put your clothes
Bulled Egg
An egg cooked in water
Brawl
Broil
Bowin'
ten pins & 3 balls
Calf Lick
bleevers are Protestant, Jewish, and ...
Canny
a state gubmit division, such as Anne Arundel or Prince George's
Chest Peak
A large nearby body of water
Colleyflare
A white vegetable
Downey Owe Shin
Summertime destination "Down to the ocean," often to a place such as Ayshun City
Droodle Pork
Druid Hill Park
Flares
Such as tulips
Faren Gins
Red trucks that put out fires
Hi Hon
How we always say "hello"
Holandtown
Highland Town
Jeet
How we say "Did you eat?"
Lyeberry
where the books are
Meedjum
The grassy area between lanes of a highway
Merlin
Our State
Nap Lis
State of Merlin capital
Nattie Boh
beer that goes great with steamed crabs
Ole Bay
What our crabs taste like
Oreos
Not a cookie, but our baseball team
Payment
That strip of cement that you walk on
Paramore
Power mower
Pitcher
what's hangin in the frame on the wall
PohLeese
Those guys in uniform that git ya when you're speeding
Share
Hot water that cleans you in the morning
Sem elem
Seven Eleven
Stoop
where you sit on a summer evenin
Tarred
What you get when you work too hard
Warsh
What we do with dirty clothes
Warder
What we drink (can also be Wooter)
Winders
Those glass things that we look out of
Warshinton DeeCee
Capitol of America
Zinc
where you warsh yer dishes

Submitted by reader G.B.

Joke: Sisters of Silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine. The Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "It is your 15th Anniversary here, Sister. You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: the Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before we kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed: "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but we will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but we will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully—for the last time, I said: 'BRING POSSE!'"

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: On the Patch

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a quit-smoking patch on it.

He turns to the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other priest replies, "It's working just fine for me. I'm down to two butts a day."

Submitted by reader B.P.

Joke: Arabs on Star Trek

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says, "Well, your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show Star Trek and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

Submitted by reader B.P.

Joke: The nun's glass bowl

Sister Mary Margaret was 60, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. Then one afternoon early in the spring this priest came to chat with her, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom.

Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary Margaret has flipped or something! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. And of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the strange floater; but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Sister," he said, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl). "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Submitted by reader J.T.

Poem: On 9/11/02

On 9/11/02, I defied the terrorists.
Just little old me.
I went to work [in public service].
Rode the subway.
During the moment of silence at 8:46AM—
The two ladies next to me crossed themselves.

Boston police at every turn,
I went into a court of law.
Smiled sadly at everyone I could.
And sang, "happy birthday" to my aunt.

Today I heard planes taking off.
Opened my mail.
Chose what I wanted to watch on TV.
Listened to music on the radio.

I tried my best—
To honor the memories of those who were taken
and the people who gave their lives,
attempting to help others;
during the violence one year ago.
On 9/11/02 I defied the terrorists,
like on each and every day.

—On the Blue Line & Winthrop, Mass., 11 September 2002. Copyright ©2002 Dena Barisano.

Submitted by reader D.B.

Humor: Marketing

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

Submitted by reader A.C.

Observations: The Art of Flying

  • Never trade luck for skill.
  • The three most common expressions in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Shit!"
  • Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
  • Progress in airline flying: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
  • Airspeed, altitude or brains: two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
  • A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication (to deviate from the truth).
  • I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
  • Will Rogers never met a fighter pilot.
  • We have a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
  • If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter—and unsafe.
  • Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
  • Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.
  • Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it.
  • When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten. (Robert Livingston, "Flying The Aeronca")
  • Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. (Layton A. Bennett, "Never fly the 'A' model of anything")
  • When a prang seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible. (Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II)
  • The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
  • A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
  • If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover)
  • If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican')
  • Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I Am 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location on Kadena)
  • You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore)
  • Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. (Richard Herman, Jr., "Firebreak")
  • There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, Ariz., 1970)
  • The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown)
  • "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320)
  • What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
  • Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
  • If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules:

  1. Try to stay in the middle of the air; do not go near the edges of it.
  2. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Submitted by reader C.L.