The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Fable: Death and the Servant

Many years ago, there was a man in Bathsheba who asked his servant to go to market. His servant had served faithfully for many years; though his hair was white, he stood as tall as a young date tree in the autumn whose leaves are beginning to fall while the fruit of abundance draws to an end about it.

The servant went to market, and among the throng he saw Death, dressed in black and as pale as the moon that grows thin. Death made a gesture, and the servant grew frightened; for, although there were many people in the marketplace, who crowded to buy the things that would bring them joy while they lived, none of them heeded the lonely pair.

And he ran home to his master, and he said, "Master, today I saw Death in the market amid the throng. And he made a threatening gesture to me. Master, I shall make haste and I shall ride like the wind to Samarra, for Samarra is many miles from here, and Death will not find me there."

So the servant rode away to Samarra, and his master was sorely troubled, as is the traveler in the desert who is called to the side of his dying father and his long journey draws to an end. And he went to the market and he sought out Death, whose dress was dark as the sea at night when the fisherman is lost, and his face was as pale as a grave on a frosty night.

And the master said to Death, "Why did you make a threatening gesture at my servant? He has done me good service, and is old in years."

And Death replied, "I made no threatening gesture at your servant. That was a start of surprise. For I saw him this morning in Bathsheba, but this night I was to meet him many miles away in Samarra."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: The Construction Helper

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew—gems in the rough all of them—more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too?"

"I will, if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fuckin' drywall," replied the little girl.

Joke: Billings Bar Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana, and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says,"If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs!"

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Submitted by reader N.A.

List: Rules for Aviation Safety

  1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
  4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
  5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.
  6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
  12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
  15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
  16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
  18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
  19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It is the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
  24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and the gas in the fuel truck back at the airport.
  25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.
  26. Submitted by reader S.P.

List: A Southerner Responds

Visitor Meade Skelton Haufe, annoyed that myths about Southern Americans continue to propagate through the Internet, got even with us. He wrote:

As a True Southerner I am extremely offended by your trite and slanderous humor against the Southern people. What kind of ignorant dribble is this? The imperialistic Yankee-ized massed media shoves this down our throats time and time again. We are told to get rid of our Southern "accents" no matter how proper our English is and no matter how well eduacted we might be.

Here, then, is Mr Haufe's answer:

Things a Northerner would never, ever say

  • Where are my manners?
  • I can't wear that—it's polyester!
  • Socialism is wrong!
  • Don't you think Howard Stern is a pervert?
  • Dear, I don't think its polite to brag about our bank account
  • But...isn't that a sin?
  • Please
  • Thank you
  • You're Welcome
  • Do I sound too nasal?
  • I don't care for bowling or Polka music
  • I think I'll vote Republican
  • Excuse me, I didn't mean to belch
  • There's more to life than money and foreign cars
  • Honest Abe...was a liar!
  • Who's Frank Sinatra?
  • Obey the speed limit
  • I don't want to be too conventional
  • OH MY GOD! ITS SNOWING!
  • We'v e got the pretteist women around!

Thanks, Meade, from all of us in the Union. (And by the way, we hate polka.)

Submitted by reader M.H.

Satire: Martha's Etiquette for Rednecks

Generally

  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  • Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home

  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
  • However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

  • Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

  • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  • Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Submitted by reader D.L.

Christensen film deal

Our network of spies intercepted this communiqué Friday morning:


From: Anonymous
To: Michael Braverman
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2000 4:33 PM
Subject: Hayden

I'm sure you've heard already, but in case you haven't - Hayden got Star Wars!!!!!

Yup, two picture deal as Anakin Skywalker!!!! Merchandising deal,etc. Wahooooo!! And the way George Lucas first became aware of Hayden was by way of the pilot episode of HG, which his agent/manager sent to Lucas to screen....which, of course, you wrote!!!! So there's another huge claim to fame for you!!! Congrats!!

Anyway, I guess the Lucas camp is trying to keep the announcement under wraps until Monday - they want to do a big spread in Time Magazine!! Can you imagine?? We all went out last night to celebrate and needless to say Hayden is thrilled, in shock, etc.


Congratulations, Hayden!

Please note: Neither Hayden Christensen nor Michael Braverman has any affiliation with braverman.org. Neither this site's author nor braverman.org has any affiliation with Higher Ground, Fox Family Channel, Paramount Television, Lion's Gate Films, or Lucasfilm Ltd. The information presented here is for entertainment only, and is not to be considered an endorsement by the companies named for this site, nor by this site for the companies and entertainment products named.

Submitted by reader D.B.

Satire: Star Wars, Episode 5

Courtesy of some die hard Star Wars fans, it has been learned that there's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of The Empire Strikes Back that is due out in April 2000. The heretofore unknown and unseen footage expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1...

The Empire Strikes Back: Directors Cut

INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry.

A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft.

Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed my father!

Darth Vader: No, Luke: I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: It's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday...

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: Boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up!

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated all the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon. And I could shoot womp rats on a flyby...

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... (grasps crotch) Right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: You know? I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose kid you are. Maybe that wimp Obi Wan. Whatever, you sure ain't no kid of mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader (yells): Get a haircut you hippie!

END

Submitted by reader T.K.

Joke: The Amazing Goldstein

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't miss the Amazing Goldstein!"

Curious, he buys a ticket and sits through the usual circus acts—animals, clowns, contortionists, and other questionable acts. Finally the trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, in the middle of the ring, is a table with three walnuts on it. In comes a little old Jewish man, five feet tall and barely able to walk to the table. He unzips his pants and whips out a long shlong and proceeds to smash all three walnuts with three swings!

The crowd erupts in thunderous applause as the elderly Goldstein is carried off on the shoulders of clowns.

Twenty years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Goldstein" banner. He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act!

Again he buys a ticket sits through the acts and again the center ring is illuminated. This time three coconuts are on the table and old Goldstein takes forever to make it to the table. He smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing weapon and the crowd goes crazy!

The salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. In his dressing room he tells him he's never seen anything like the act. But he wants to know why he is now smashing coconuts instead of the much easier walnuts.

"Vell," says Goldstein, "my eyes aren't vhat they used to be!"

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Older folks' memories

An 80-year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to he doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Submitted by reader A.O.