The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

List: Ineffective daily affirmations

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

Does my quiet self-pity get to me? Yes? Or should I move up to incessant nagging?

I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming my parents.

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.

My body is a temple. Do you want to come over for midnight mass?

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Submitted by reader J.H.

Joke: Give us a push

This bloke's in bed with his missus when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half three in the morning. Sod that for a game of soldiers, he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife so he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and this bloke is stood outside.

"Eh mate" says the stranger, "Can you give us a push?"

"No, piss off, it's half three. I was in bed," says the man and shuts the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, you are a bastard. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to piss off?"

So he gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Eh mate, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please mate."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" and he replies: "I'm over here on the swings."

Submitted by reader M.G.

Joke: Single woman

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

  • 1 bar of soap
  • 1 toothbrush
  • 1 tube of toothpaste
  • 1 loaf of bread
  • 1 pint of milk
  • 1 single serving of cereal
  • 1 single serving frozen dinner
  • 1 can of Soup For One
  • 1 16oz can of Miller Lite

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

Submitted by reader A.B.

Poem: Ode to the little birdie

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,

He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.

He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his fucking head.

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Therapy

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

Submitted by reader N.A.

Joke: the Enchanted Snake

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot! I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunkhouse you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunkhouse. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I was riding the mare!"

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: the Jigsaw Puzzle

One morning this [insert ethnic group here] calls his friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

His friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

He says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

His friend figures that she's pretty good at puzzles, so she heads over to his place. He lets her in the door and shows her to where he has the puzzle spread all over the table.

She studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. She then turns to him and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: Playing Lotto

A [insert cultural/ethnic/hair-color group here] named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray: "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The next week Babbette again prays: "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays: "My God, why have You forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help and I have always been a good servant to You. Please just let me win the Lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Poem: Stare into the flame

When I close my eyes
And dream of times we shared
I hear the angels weep
Heaven knows you never cared
Every sun that rises
Brings another lonely day
We used to soar on angels' wings
Now I plod on feet of clay

Stare into the flame
Burning like my shame
I can only blame
You who played the game
Stare into the flame

Wish I'd known when times got tough
You'd throw it all away
So much for 'ever after'
I can't even face today
Whispered promises of love
Down many years will echo
A future life I do not want
A future you made hollow

Stare into the flame
Burning like my shame
I can only blame
You who played the game
Stare into the flame

A bitter friend thought long lost
Here comes the pain again
This is not how life should be
This happens much too often
Eighteen months of agony
Nights filled with desperation
Is this what you wanted?
From pure to desecration?

Stare into the flame
Burning like my shame
I can only blame
You who played the game
Stare into the flame...

Then suddenly you reappear
Pretending nothing's changed
But your smiles cannot erase
The dreams you smashed and rearranged
When I close my eyes
I wish with all my might
I wish I'd never met you
And pray I'll feel all right

Stare into the flame
Burning like my shame
I can only blame
You who played the game
Stare into the flame...
Stare into the flame...

Copyright ©2000 Sean Pearson

Submitted by reader S.P.

Poem: Hunter in the Moon

I met her at a bar on a rainy summer night
She was sitting in a crowd that she wouldn’t call her friends
When I took the seat before her with a smile and my first name
She smiled back, took a sip of wine, and said, "I like this game."

I realized that in her eyes a storm was coming fast
How was I to know I would sit helpless in its path?
Just her name rolled off her lips as seconds slipped by
Diana stole my night with seduction in her eye.

Savage mistress of the moon
Can I know who’s hunting whom?
Keeper of the mystery
You’re coming for me, coming for me

Minutes turned to hours till the witching hour had come
We’d traded barbs and anecdotes and now our brains were numb
Then she stood so suddenly; shadows hid her face
Diana took my hand and slid it way below her waist

Savage mistress of the moon
Do I know who’s hunting whom?
Keeper of the mystery
You’re coming for me, coming for me

Woke up as the sun baked me in a stranger’s bed
Cool breeze coming from the porch—or from the words I read?
"Help yourself to breakfast while I take my morning run
And lock the door when you leave; our one–night stand is done.
Have a nice life."

Copyright ©1999 Sean Pearson