A young guy starts work on a ranch, and the boss sends him up
the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's
half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's
"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck here. I've hit a pig!"
"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag
the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."
"But he ain't dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and
I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real
big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"
"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back.
Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."
Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young
fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"
"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."
"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."
Submitted by reader B.P.
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot
of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered
for the position. After sending some applicants through the background
checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down
to three men, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow
your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside
this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and
The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious!
I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely
not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same
door and hand him a gun. "We went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes,
then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.
"I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.
I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You
don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."
Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same
door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you
will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final
test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun
and kill her."
The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even
closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after
another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes,
then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man.
He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun
was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair!"
Submitted by reader B.P.
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter
is leafing through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and
says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in
your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can
tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when
I was driving down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang
Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going
on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this girl.
"Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and
walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather
jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
"As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle
around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head
with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this
poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home
before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
Submitted by reader J.S.
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night
trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns
to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set
it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it
twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams
each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies:
"Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it
home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good
buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't
have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
Submitted by reader C.K.
How many remember this classic from the early days of the Internet?
Top 10 Sexually Tilted Lines In Star Wars: A New Hope
"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."
"Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!"
"Look at the size of that thing!"
"Sorry about the mess..."
"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
"Aren't you a little short for a storm trooper?"
"You've got something jammed in here real good."
"Put that thing away before you get us all killed!"
"Luke, at that speed, do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
- "Get in there, you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!"
Top 10 Sexually Tilted Lines In The Empire Strikes Back
"And I thought they smelled bad...on the OUTSIDE!"
"Possible he came in through the south entrance."
"I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh, kid?"
"Hurry up, golden rod..."
"That's OK, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
"But now we must eat. Come, good food, come..."
"Control, control! You must learn control."
"There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
- "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me!"
Top 10 Sexually Tilted Lines In Return Of The Jedi
"I need more men."
"Our instructions are to give it only to Jabba himself."
"Thanks for coming after me."
"Rise, my friend."
"I can't do it, R2."
"Look, I want you to take her."
"I'm endangering the mission. I shouldn't have come."
"General Solo, somebody's coming."
"I have felt him, my master." "Strange that I have not."
- "Back door. Good Idea!"
Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash.
You can't say this? What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you might as well reboot it and then go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, man, that sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom.
Submitted by reader C.K.