During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
Submitted by reader S.S.
A woman walks into a dermatologist's office complaining of a rash. She
lifts her shirt and shows the doctor a rash on her chest in the shape of
a backwards G.
The dermatologist asks, "How did this happen?"
"Well," she explains, "my boyfriend plays football for Georgia Tech, and he likes to wear
his jersey when we have sex."
The doctor accepts this and gives her a lotion for the rash.
The next day another girl walks into his office, and shows him an H-shaped
rash on her chest.
"Does your boyfriend play sports?" he asks the girl.
"Actually, yes; he plays lacrosse for Hofstra," she replies. "He likes to wear his
jersey when we have sex."
The doctor is way ahead of her, and hands her a prescription as she gets dressed.
A week later, a third girl comes into his office, and shows him an M-shaped rash.
"Let me guess," he says. "Your boyfriend plays for Michigan and likes to wear his
jersey when you have sex."
The girl is indignant. "That's disgusting!" she exclaims.
"If you must know,
my girlfriend goes to Wellesley."
Submitted by reader A.R.
Actor Samuel L. Jackson, of Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown fame,
will play "Jedi Master Mace Windu" in the upcoming Episode One of the Star Wars series.
braverman.org, having obtained a script on the black market, is pleased to
excerpt some of Mace Windu's lines:
"You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't the
motherfuckin' droids you're looking for."
"Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if
it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker."
"This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to
kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room...accept no substitutes."
"If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna do. I ain't
got no other connections on Tattooine."
"Feel the Force, motherfucker."
"What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?"
"You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!"
"Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He's a wookie."
"Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?"
- "Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'BAD MOTHERFUCKER.'"
Submitted by reader B.P.
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey,
there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom,
and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the
interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow
him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
Submitted by reader C.K.
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better
programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold
a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,
taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and
God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what
he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the
power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
Submitted by reader S.P.
The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize
is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening
line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes
five books' worth of entries.
Some recent winners:
- "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would
never hear the end of it."
- "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
- "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face
framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
- "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall:
'Andre creep...Andre creep...Andre creep.'"
- "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his
body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon-to become the woman he loved."
- "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living
at a local pet store."
- "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
- "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa
Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
- "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear,'
a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of deathin short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
And the worst line of all:
- "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly
fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping
in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception,
screaming madly, 'You lied!'"
Submitted by reader J.H.
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced
sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became
quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own
sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then
Submitted by reader C.K.
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practicioner, a
pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a
bird flew overhead.
The GP reacted first. He raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think I should get
a second opinion." Of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician
drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in
his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more
investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun
shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I
know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird
disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed
skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned
nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck,
Submitted by reader B.O.
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of
ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing
that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of
its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song. Business
at the First Bank of Hiroshima has completely bombed, and the Okinawa Bank
remains an island unto itself.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office
staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something
fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
The Kyoto Bank remains, as always, the garden spot.
Submitted by reader C.K.
The following is probably apocryphal, but so what?
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Gates' comments, GM's Bill Welch issued a press release in reply, saying,
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
- For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this,
restart, and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down
and refuse to restart, requiring you to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast,
and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "general car fault" warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
- The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key,
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally
road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them.
Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish
by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive
all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as they did in the older car.
- You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Submitted by reader D.C.