The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: Last Rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

A policeman checks the crowd: no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72..."

Submitted by reader B.P.

Obituary: Pop 'n Fresh

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, also known as the "Pillsbury Dough Boy," died Monday of a yeast infection. He was 31. Fresh was buried Thursday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities attended, including Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, the Keebler Elves and Hungry Jack. The graveside was pilled high with flours; longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He wasn't considered a smart cookie and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children—and one in the oven.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: the Substitute

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery."

Priest says: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest says, "What did you do?"

Man says, "I committed adultery."

Priest asks, "How many times?"

Man replys, "Three times."

Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more."

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi says, "What did you do?"

Woman replys, "I committed adultery."

Rabbi asks, "How many times?"

Woman says, "Once."

Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times! We have a special this week: three for $5.00!"

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: In Hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Carl, Bob, and Brett. They were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was four feet tall, dirty, and they could smell her even over the Brimstone.

They heard the voice of the Devil: "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over seven feet tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair and flies.

The Devil said: "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of...Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.

Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned...."

Submitted by reader L.P.

List: Alcohol warnings

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

  1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
  3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
  6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
  8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
  9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bruiser.
  10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
  11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
  12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause variations in your time-space continuum, wherein small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
  13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: the Statues

Two statues have been standing in a park for 100 years. They are a pair of young lovers, reaching their hands towards one another, not quite touching. They've been that way for 100 years, reaching out, but never quite touching.

An angel flies over and takes pity on them because they've been reaching out for so long and never quite touching. The angel summons all his strength and powers and brings them to life.

The angel tells them, "I have brought you to life, but I can only do this for half an hour. My powers cannot give you any more. But for that half-hour you may do whatever it is you've been wishing to do for the 100 years you've been there, reaching out to one another but never quite touching."

The pair thank the angel and disappear into the bushes.There is much grunting, groaning, and rustling of leaves. After 15 minutes the couple re-emerge, looking very happy.

"You've only used 15 minutes and I gave you half an hour," said the angel. "Why don't you go back and do it again?"

"Oh, yes," said the young man to the young girl. "Why don't we? But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it."

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: the Glass Eye

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive, he agreed. Shortly afterwards, she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

Submitted by reader C.S.

List: Viagra Slogans

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Pfizer, Inc for Viagra:

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"

and the number one slogan being considered:

1. "Just do her."

Some honorable mentions:

  • "We work harder, so you don't have to"
  • "Ten inches long...and growing."
  • "Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight"
  • "Viagra, home of the whopper"
  • "Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver"
  • "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

Viagra is a registered trademark of Pfizer, Inc for their sildenafil citrate tablets.

Submitted by reader B.P.

Joke: Cinderella

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball but only on two conditions:

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

"Where the hell have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

"I can't remember, exactly. Peter, Peter, something or other...."

Submitted by reader C.S.

Joke: Sisters of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination - and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway.

On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads...

SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks...

"What may we do for you my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He places the money in this nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

"Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

Submitted by reader C.K.