Events

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a quit-smoking patch on it. He turns to the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other priest replies, "It's working just fine for me. I'm down to two butts a day." Submitted by reader B.P.

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says, "Well, your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show Star Trek and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand...

"Squawk" is the aviation term for a maintenance request. These are squawks allegedly logged by QUANTAS pilots. The solutions logged by the company's maintenance engieers follow. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Almost replaced left inside main tire. Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. Autoland not installed on this aircraft. No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage. Something loose in cockpit. Something...

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and...