The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

List: Jewish C&W hits

Here are some Country & Western hits not likely to make the top 10:

  1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Till She Chose Somebody Else)"
     
  2. "Stand by Your Mensch"
     
  3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?"
     
  4. "That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff"
     
  5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
     
  6. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
     
  7. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
     
  8. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
     
  9. "My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"
     
  10. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom,' I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
     
  11. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
     
  12. "You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
     
  13. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: the Corpse

There was once a medical student specializing in pathology who truly wanted to excel in his studies. Without fail, he would daily visit the school's path lab following his classes to do extra work.

One evening he uncovered a cadaver only to notice a cork plugging its rectum. Curious, he removed the cork only to hear, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..."

Startled, he replaced the cork. Curiosity soon got the best of him and he,once again, removed the cork. Again, he heard the same tune, "On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again..."

He could stand it no more. He replaced the cork, covered the cadaver and raced upstairs to his professor's office. He persuaded the man to accompany him back to the lab. Once there, the student again uncovered the cadaver and displayed the corked rectum. The professor looked unfazed. When the student removed the cork, the same tune emanated: "On the road again, I just...".

The professor looked bored and started to walk away. The student was aghast at this casual response. He said to the professor, "Don't you find this amazing?"

The professor replied, "Not really. Most any asshole can sing country."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Hit an agent

A man pulls off the road when he sees his producer friend with a wrecked car off on the side. The car is a total loss, covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Oh," the friend responds, "I hit an agent."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about all the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, to catch him, I had to chase him all through the park."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: the Brothel

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.

"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.

A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby look!" said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta' died."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Drunker

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with the wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...Chunks is my dog."

Joke: Ethel

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her, and some actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up the corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice, "have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him.

"OK," he said and she went on her way.

While taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got a valid tax permit for that vehicle, madam?"

Ethel dug into her handbag again and pulled out a beer coaster which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on.

Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was stark naked and was holding his penis in his hand.

"Oh no," said Ethel, "not the breathalyzer again!"

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Pulled over

An elderly couple was driving cross country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the Highway Patrol. As she rolls don the window, the officer says, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, who is hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

Then the patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him his license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I been there before, had the worst sex with a woman in my life."

The woman turns to her husband and says, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

Submitted by reader M.B.

List: Big 10 lightbulbs

How many Big 10 students does it take to change a lightbulb?

At Michigan it takes two. One to change the bulb and one to explain how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy Leaguer.

At Northwestern it takes three. One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Michigan to get instructions.

At Michigan State it takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three to figure out how to get high off the old one.

At Ohio State it takes five. One to change it, two to talk about how Woody would have done it, and two to throw the old bulb at Michigan students.

At Wisconsin it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At Illinois it takes seven, and each one gets four semester credit hours for it.

At Indiana it takes eight. One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.

At Minnesota it takes twelve. Two to figure out how to screw it in, and ten to find an ugly enough lampshade to match their school colors.

At Penn Sate it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than Penn, and 50 who realize it's all a lie.

At Iowa it takes none. There is no electricity in Iowa.

Submitted by reader C.K.

Joke: Labrador retrievers

Three Labrador retrievers—a brown, yellow and black—are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything—the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it works for everything." He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

"I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

Submitted by reader M.B.

Joke: Midnight delivery

In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor.  "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Submitted by reader G.H.