The Daily Parker

Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

List: Rules for Aviation Safety

  1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
  2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
  4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
  5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.
  6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
  12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
  15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
  16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
  18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
  19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It is the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
  24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and the gas in the fuel truck back at the airport.
  25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.
  26. Submitted by reader S.P.

List: A Southerner Responds

Visitor Meade Skelton Haufe, annoyed that myths about Southern Americans continue to propagate through the Internet, got even with us. He wrote:

As a True Southerner I am extremely offended by your trite and slanderous humor against the Southern people. What kind of ignorant dribble is this? The imperialistic Yankee-ized massed media shoves this down our throats time and time again. We are told to get rid of our Southern "accents" no matter how proper our English is and no matter how well eduacted we might be.

Here, then, is Mr Haufe's answer:

Things a Northerner would never, ever say

  • Where are my manners?
  • I can't wear that—it's polyester!
  • Socialism is wrong!
  • Don't you think Howard Stern is a pervert?
  • Dear, I don't think its polite to brag about our bank account
  • But...isn't that a sin?
  • Please
  • Thank you
  • You're Welcome
  • Do I sound too nasal?
  • I don't care for bowling or Polka music
  • I think I'll vote Republican
  • Excuse me, I didn't mean to belch
  • There's more to life than money and foreign cars
  • Honest Abe...was a liar!
  • Who's Frank Sinatra?
  • Obey the speed limit
  • I don't want to be too conventional
  • We'v e got the pretteist women around!

Thanks, Meade, from all of us in the Union. (And by the way, we hate polka.)

Submitted by reader M.H.

Satire: Martha's Etiquette for Rednecks


  • Never take a beer to a job interview.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
  • Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out

  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home

  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
  • However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)

  • Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.


  • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  • Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Submitted by reader D.L.