The Daily Parker | Politics, Weather, Photography, and the Dog

Joke: Behavior modification

Monday, 07 December 1998 15:31:02 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Joe received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Joe tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Joe put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming--then suddenly there was quiet. Joe was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Joe's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Joe was astounded at the bird's change in attitude, and was just about to ask what had made such a drastic change, when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Submitted by reader D.B.

List: Too much '90s?

Friday, 04 December 1998 14:45:02 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

The Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the '90s:

Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
You have actually faxed or e-mailed your Christmas list to your parents.
Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
You consider 3rd day air delivery painfully slow.
You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits.
You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. (Or on websites.—ed.)

Submitted by reader M.B.

List: Rules for Jewish living

Friday, 04 December 1998 14:45:02 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

And last, but certainly not least:

There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother that he is an Adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

Submitted by reader L.M.

Letters: the Twelve Days of Christmas

Friday, 04 December 1998 13:15:04 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

25 December 1998

Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

With deepest love and affection,

Violet

26 December 1998

Dearest Bob,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine—two Turtle Doves!! I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable.

My everlasting love,

Violet

27 December 1998

My dear Bob,

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity—Three French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist. You’ve been too kind.

All my love,

Violet

28 December 1998

Dear Bob,

Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now, really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic.

Love,

Violet

29 December 1998

Dear Bob,

What a marvelous surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Gold Rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds can really squawk and they are getting on my nerves.

Affectionately,

Violet

30 December 1998

Bob,

Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese–a–Laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again. Those geese are huge. Where in the name of creation will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, rightly so, and it is impossible to sleep through the racket. Now let this be the end of this.

Cordially,

Violet

31 December 1998

Bob,

What the hell is with you and these fucking birds? Seven Swans–a–Swimming? What kind of a damn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can’t get a damn bit of sleep and I’m a nervous wreck. Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.

Sincerely,

Violet

1 January 1999

O.K. Pal!

What in screaming hell am I going to do with Eight Maids–a–Milking? Well, shit, I think I prefer the damn birds! The damn maids–a–milking had to bring their damn cows. There is cow shit all over my lawn and bird shit all over the house. I can’t even move my feet. Just leave me the hell alone, smartass.

Violet

2 January 1999

Listen, Shithead!

You sadistic bastard! I now have Nine Pipers Piping in my front yard and they are standing knee deep in cow shit. This, after chasing those maids all night long. Consequently, upsetting the cows to the point that they are stepping all over the screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

Up yours,

Violet

3 January 1999

You rotten PRICK!

Now there are Ten Ladies Dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts "ladies." They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the damn cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Zoning and the Building Inspector have subpoenaed me to give just cause to why this building should not be condemned. I’m calling the police! I mean it, by God!

4 January 1999

Listen, FUCKHEAD:

Never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that I would be a witness to Eleven Lords–a–Leaping on that many maids and ladies. They took those broads like Grant took Richmond and many will never walk exactly right again. I wasn’t the only witness, by the way. The "60 Minutes" camera crew and staff are just loading up their cameras and equipment on a chartered plane and are racing against time to have the first Christmas Special on Pay–per–View TV. For the record, all 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. As God is my witness, somehow, someday, I’LL GET YOU! I never want to see your fucking face as long as I live.

Miss Violet Monica Habersham

LAW OFFICES OF ZAMPARO, FREEDMAN, AND SACHS

5 January 1999

Mr. Richardson:

We represent your ex-fiancee, Miss Violet Habersham.

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client. The destruction, of course, was total.

All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habersham at the West County Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter, please find attached a summons and complaint for various torts. A warrant for your arrest should arrive shortly.

Sincerely,

Anthony Gionetti

Associate

Submitted by reader S.P.

List: More bumper stickers

Friday, 04 December 1998 13:15:02 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Born free...taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Earth first...we’ll mine the other planets later.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: Cannibals

Friday, 04 December 1998 13:00:02 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Three fine young cannibals were up for induction into manhood. All they needed to do was pass a simple two part test. If they passed the test they would become men. If not, they would be eaten. The chief cannibal called the three young men together and told them that the first part of their test was for each of them to go into the woods and find 10 identical pieces of fruit. The chief dispatched the young men and it wasn’t long before the first young cannibal returned with 10 bananas.

The chief congratulated him upon passing the first part of the test and informed him that the second part of the test consisted of shoving all 10 pieces of fruit up his ass without his face changing expression. The young cannibal got the first banana up his ass but the second banana was more than he could take and he screamed out in pain. He was eaten.

Shortly afterward, the second cannibal returned from the woods with 10 berries. The chief congratulated him upon passing the first part of the test and informed him that the second part of the test consisted of shoving all 10 pieces of fruit up his ass without his face changing expression. The young cannibal began shoving the berries up his ass and got 8 berries up his ass and then suddenly burst out in laughter. He was eaten.

The first two cannibals met up outside the Pearly Gates and the first one said to the second, "Man, what happened to you? You picked the perfect fruit to pass the second part of the test. How could you have blown it?"

The second cannibal said, "I don’t know. All I remember was that I had 2 berries to go, then I looked up and saw Oo-Thrak coming back with pineapples!"

Submitted by reader S.P.

Satire: Lewinsky's autobiography

Friday, 04 December 1998 09:45:02 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Possible titles for Monica Lewinsky's forthcoming book:

I Suck At My Job
What Really Goes Down In The White House
How I Blew It In Washington
You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
Clear and Present Boner
Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
Going Back for Gore
Podium Girl
Secret Services to the President
Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
Deep Inside The Oval Office
The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
She's Chief of MY Staff!
Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
How To Beat Off the Government
Going Down and Moving Up
Members of the Presidential Cabinet
Me and My Big Mouth
How To Get Ahead in Business

Submitted by reader C.K.

Jokes: For Jews Only

Tuesday, 24 November 1998 10:30:03 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

Arafat

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer:

"You will die on a Jewish holiday."

"Which one?" Arafat asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."

Mother

A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"

She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."

The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days?"

She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."

Execution

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian responds, Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.

The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.

"Strawberries???"

"Yes, Strawberries."

"But they are out of season!"

"So, nu, I'll wait...."

Kosher

Rabbi Friedman, quite Orthodox, did a double-take: there in the restaurant, clearly visible through the large window, was the president of his congregation. And yes, that was a bowl of clam chowder the waitress was setting before him.

As the rabbi watched in horror, the main dish, jumbo shrimp wrapped in bacon was set down next. Oblivious to the rabbi's disgusted visage, the president ate his way through his dinner.

As he left the restaurant, the rabbi accosted him saying: "You, you of all people, leader of the congregation, supposed to be an example, how could you eat such traife!?"

The president asked: "You saw me eat the soup? And the shrimp?"

"Yes, and yes" came the reply.

"Then there is no problem. I ate my food under Rabbinical supervision."

Submitted by reader M.K.

Joke: Beethoven's Ninth

Monday, 23 November 1998 11:30:03 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

The Cleveland Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage—about 20 minutes—during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of Dohnyani's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Submitted by reader S.P.

Joke: Madrid

Tuesday, 17 November 1998 11:00:02 EST David-Braverman Entertainment (0)

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

"What's this?" he asks.

"Cojones, Señor," the waiter replies.

"What are cojones?" the man asks.

"Señor, cojones," the waiter explains, "they are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and orders it again. But, this time, when the waiter brings out the plate, they are much smaller.

"What's this?" he asks the waiter.

"Cojones, Señor," the waiter replies.

"No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger."

"Ah, but Señor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."

Submitted by reader M.B.